Departing my Shoreditch flat, East London, Routledge edition of Being and Nothingness firmly in tow, I touched down at Charles de Gaulle Airport last autumn with eyes wide open. At least that's what I thought. As I dragged my 50 kg suitcase through what I remember to be the world’s most life-threatening disabled train barriers, I noted the first of many things to which I was naïve, and which was to characterise my time in the French capital – firstly, the inaccessibility of the Parisian transport system.
Therefore it is here, in what I hope to be the first of many blogs, that I present to you ten of my most valuable pointers that are intended to prepare you for life in the French capital or, at the very least, to help you live to tell the tale:
1. Most metro doors have to be opened with your hands (yes, this is disgustingly unhygienic). Even more dangerous, however, is the customary round-the-maypole dance you’re obliged to perform while clinging desperately to the single metal bar whose sole purpose is to stop you crashing head-first into the carriage wall or, worse still, the 6ft 4 banlieu bruiser who’s just boarded at Chatelet. These accidents-waiting-to-happen can usually be attributed to disgruntled Parisian metro drivers whose ardent slamming-on of the brakes will generate a G-force akin to that of a Boeing 747 on takeoff.2. In Paris, there a way fewer blondes than in the UK, and way, way fewer than in Germany or, for that matter, Sweden. Worth taking into account if you are thinking of packing up and moving across the channel, perhaps.
3. Despite their reputation, Parisians are fairly friendly to foreigners, at least those who make the slightest effort with the language, or try to make it look like they vaguely know where they are going. A smile, and a Hugh Grant-esque stutter as you fail to understand how to write your own bank account number to the beautiful brunette (not blonde - see 2) serving you in Crédit Lyonnais, will also go down a treat.
4. Job hunting, or at least finding an intellectually stimulating full-time job in Paris as a foreigner is much harder than it should be. Contrary to popular belief, being a native English speaker in France is not the key to opportunities and riches beyond your wildest dreams. In fact, it is merely an indication to employers that you are slightly less likely to join a popular uprising organised by the trade union-affiliated workforce at Henri LeConte Legal Consultants.
5. Paris is small and big at the same time. While this paradox might be a phenomenon that occurs in every city, in Paris it manifests itself through the fact that, despite its relatively small geography, you'll tend to find yourself frequenting the same places time and time again. Therefore, don't bother planning a trip to the chateau of Versailles, or a foray around the Isle St. Louis, because you'll only ever make it to Sacré Coeur, the Eiffel Tower or that café in St. Michel where cocktails are €5 during happy hour (Thursdays, 8pm - 8.05pm).
6. The music scene may at first seem like it doesn't extend beyond that guy singing Wonderwall in a camp Italian accent on the steps of Montmartre, or the fat guy in the 20th who thinks he's Stevie Wonder, but who’s actually the one blind to the way his alcoholic life is headed. Yet amongst all of the have-beens, will-bes and so-called artistes, there are a collection of like-minded and lively individuals ready to brighten up the jazz, blues, rock and electro scenes respectively, or sometimes - based on certain avant garde events I’ve attended - all at the same time! It’s all just a matter of knowing where to look (the area around the Canal St. Martin is a good place to start).
7. The Euro is definitely not a good idea, with the following exceptions:
- Whenever the exchange rate falls so low that shopping for Adidas trainers in Hull is cheaper than buying a baguette on the Champs Elysées, which to be honest, happens quite a lot ‘cause the guys at Brioche Dorée are quite thrifty.
- Whenever I need to go on holiday to Europe, and I save time by not needing to change money, therefore avoiding more embarrassing incidents with brunettes (see 3 & 8).
8. The myth of Englishmen being crap in bed in relation to our European counterparts is one that requires further investigation (Parisienne volunteers required for ongoing extensive field tests). Question marks as to my credentials for this self-imposed role as the UK’s ambassador to Anglo-French relations would, I feel, be entirely justified.
9. Giving money to every single homeless person you walk past who asks you to “spare some change” on your way home, would see you a ruined man before you had even made it up the steps of your €1,500 per month Haussmann flat, or at least force you into buying Je ne peux pas croire que ce n’est pas du beurre, instead of the richer, creamier, melts-in-the-mouth variety.
10. There are no “ghettos” in Paris or its suburbs. Traditionally working class places like Belleville, Ménilmontant and the 19th arrondissement are not, to quote some (un)educated French locals “shitholes”. Rather, they are places to be appreciated for their underground arts scenes and delightfully buoyant supermarket attendants who make no secret of their pure hatred of you - mainly due to the fact you elected to pay for your Camembert by debit card. Rioting, looting and burning of cars has only ever occurred in very isolated cylindrical areas of Saint Denis, and even then it can be attributed to widespread misinterpretation of a line in a Johnny Cash song.
